Part 6: Reflections on unmasking — Dealing with difficult emotions

The most challenging part of my unmasking journey is dealing with difficult emotions. A lot of these difficult emotions have stemmed from things that have happened in the past, and how masking has had an impact. Difficult emotions have also stemmed from learning things about my autistic identity which weren’t easy to come to terms with. In this blog post I will talk about some of these things in more detail by giving 4 specific examples, as well as talk about what I am trying to do about it now as part of the unmasking journey.

Being able to mask had papered over the cracks and meant that challenges weren’t always addressed

Being autistic has meant that I find navigating things on a day-to-day a basis challenging and something that takes up a lot of energy. Furthermore, I have faced significant challenges in every chapter of my life so far, including school, university, and the workplace. However, there have been many instances where I have resorted to masking as a coping strategy. By masking as a way of coping, I thought that I was doing well and thriving. For example, I was getting good grades throughout my education, getting involved in lots of things at university, and was working in the corporate world. However, by resorting to masking as a coping strategy, I wasn’t always fully addressing the challenges that I was facing at the time. More specifically, I wasn’t always having honest conversations with myself and other people on what my needs were and how they could be met. Therefore, some of the things I had achieved only helped to paper over the cracks on the challenges that needed addressing at the same time, and upon reflection, there were some challenges that were never addressed.

I was masking in order to try to fit in

Another thing that I have realised was that in the past, I was masking to try to fit in. For most of my life, I have felt like the odd one out, and different to everyone else. Feeling like the odd one out has been frustrating, and I always felt that I had to be the one making all the effort to bridge that gap and to fit in. For example, there has been times where I have attended a social event just to feel like I am fitting in, rather than attend because I genuinely want to attend. The big regret from all this was that I never stopped to realise and fully appreciate that I didn’t need to always fit in, and that it is fine to rely on a different way of doing things. In Part 2 of this blog series, I talk about achieving social acceptance in a different way to the norm, and that is one example that shows that things that can be done in a different way.

Being autistic is one of the reasons why energy levels can get depleted very quickly

Another difficult reality that I have had to come to terms with is related to the fact that my energy levels can get depleted very quickly. In some of my previous blogs, I talked about how fatigue is a challenge for me, and how I am trying to navigate this challenge. In the past, I took reduced energy levels as a sign that I wasn’t doing a good job in balancing everything, and that I needed to try harder. What I didn’t do was think about the real reasons why my energy levels were being depleted quickly. Having now properly thought about things, one of the reasons (but not the sole reason) why my energy levels can get depleted quickly is because I am autistic. Being autistic means that navigating a predominantly neurotypical world is challenging and something that does take up energy. Coming to terms with this has not been easy, as it relates to a challenge I face due to my autism diagnosis. I also sometimes feel that I have to be more careful with how I spend my energy compared to other people.

I have been worrying too much about the reactions of other people, and that has held me back

There has been lots of times where I have worried about the reactions of other people when it came to thinking about what to say or do. Upon reflection, one of the reasons why I worried about this was because as mentioned in the third paragraph, I felt like I was different to everyone else. Therefore, I was worried about how this difference would be perceived by others, and how they would react if I did or said something in a different way. This worry has meant that I have tended to hold back sometimes when it came to doing or saying something. However, I strongly believe that in a good proportion of cases, I was actually losing out by holding back. As part of the unmasking journey, I am looking to not worry as much about how someone may react, as how someone reacts isn’t always a reflection on me.

Summary

Overall, learning difficult truths as part of the unmasking journey has made it partly a grieving process. This is because I have been grieving for my past self that didn’t know the things I know now and felt that masking was the default option to be able to navigate certain situations. I was diagnosed at age 3, so I have known about my diagnosis and the challenges that it brings. However, all this time I never really took the time to think about why I faced the challenges I did, and the ways I had went about navigating these challenges. Therefore, in a way it has almost felt like coming to terms with a late diagnosis. The unmasking journey has enabled me to learn things about myself that I wish I had known before, which means that there are lots of things that I wish had been different in the past.

Whilst there has been a lot of difficult truths I have learnt as part of my unmasking journey, these difficult truths have reaffirmed why I am doing the unmasking journey. For me, the unmasking journey represents me drawing a line from having to constantly relying on masking, as that takes up energy and is simply not a great way to live. Furthermore, these difficult truths have given me all the motivation I need to succeed in the unmasking journey, as I want to learn from the things that have happened in the past, and thrive going forward. Being successful in the unmasking journey and showing my authentic self will therefore be the most rewarding thing I have done in my life to date.